Friday, 6 May 2011
The key to discipline is to set boundary and limits. Children will always push limits and will keep testing you. There are so many books out there telling us how to discipline our children. If you are like me, I ended up very confused, trying to figure out the best methods and techniques to use. Then I had a thought, when children are born they are not born with an instruction manual. The only way is to follow the principles of the Qur’an and hadith, then we are well on our way to positive discipline. No one knows your child better than you do, you will have to think of solutions to use that will work best for you. So many parents confuse discipline with punishment; UMMUKA’s mission is to show moms that managing their kids’ behaviour and character need not be a negative painful experience.
Discipline is a way of teaching your child self-control/esteem and responsibility, instead of a way of controlling or punishing them.
Moms, the following tips are only a guide. Since I do not know your particular situation, not all these tips might be suitable for you. Use the tips that work for you and your kids. If you come up with better solutions that work for you and your children. Let me know on my page at www.facebook.com/ummuka.
The tips below will help you:
• Increase respect and decrease yelling/screaming
• Discipline less and enjoy children more
• Avoid guilt and be a calm, confident mom
The tips below will help your child:
• Become respectful and helpful
• Build a sense of self- control and confidence
• Love and listen to you
Ali (RA) told us not to bring up our children the same way and manner we were. They are growing up in a different environment, culture and speak a different language. What you have to remember is that you owe it to your child to raise him to be a responsible adult – and teaching him how to behave is a big part of that. How do you do it?
If we look into the Sunnah, we see the two elements the prophet SAW used to teach children good manners.
1. Through encouragement and praise
2. Attaching their hearts to the hereafter
What you have to remember is that you owe it to your child to raise him to be a responsible adult – and teaching him how to behave is a big part of that. How do you do it?
It’s been my experience that mothers’ with good discipline skills raise happy confident children in solid homes. It’s win-win all the way!
Ten Essentials on how to Discipline your Kids!
The word discipline means to teach and not to punish, sadly parents confuse the two terms giving discipline a negative connotation. Discipline teaches children how to behave sensibly and responsibly. It is a mistaken belief that the only way to discipline children is to punish them.
Three essential key elements to parenting are:
• Be consistent
• Be firm
• Be kind
1. Discipline wisely. “When disciplining, don’t talk, act!” —Nick Wiltz,
Imagine telling your child he has 5 minutes to brush his teeth and get to bed. 10 minutes later, you call out, “Are you in bed yet?” Your child answers from the bathroom, “Almost!” 10 minutes later, you call out again, “Are you in bed yet?” Again, your child answers, “Almost!” 10 minutes later you call out, “Are you in bed yet?” For the third time his answer is, “Almost!” You start yelling, “If you don’t get in bed right now, I’ll come in there and spank you.” Within a flash, your child is in bed. What just happened? Like Nick said, “Don’t talk, act!” Your child knows you won’t act until you’ve nagged 3 times. You follow through immediately when you want your child to do something, saying once and tell them the corresponding consequence.
2. Boundaries and limits. Successful discipline equals connection and not perfection. Setting boundaries is an essential part of discipline, and kids love them. Yes, hard to believe? Even as adults, we feel much happier with boundaries in our lives. They will push you, no matter how hard it is stand your ground without getting angry.
3. Avoid getting emotional. Stay in control and act with logic. Then, your words will start earning respect. For instance, when my kids start a car fight, I use to yell, threaten and scream out of anger. Then I learnt one thing, I tell them I will pull the car over and we will continue our journey when they stop. When they realise you mean it they will stop. It will take a few attempts but it works as long as you remain consistent and firm. . You will be showing your kids that you mean what you say and you say what you mean.
4. Consistently keep to your consequences. One key to positive discipline is to follow through with consequences for misbehaviour. One of the best ways to deter your child from acting up is to show her you mean business when it comes to consequences – if she thinks you’re a soft touch or pushover she won’t have any incentive to stick to the boundaries you set.
5. Do no label your child. Separate the child from the act let the child know that you are not upset with them but with the bad behaviour. Only use punishment for serious misbehaviour. Otherwise, it could lead to fear and the child becoming rebellious. It’s crucial that your child knows that you still love them no matter what; now mommy is just not happy with their behaviour.
6. Teach your child to ask for forgiveness. Look at how Allah deals with his servants, if we make sincere repentance Allah not only forgives the sin but also erases it completely from or record. When your child apologises for misbehaving do accept their apology and put matters to rest. Teach your child to turn to Allah in forgiveness. Making them understand that Allah is charge, and has appointed you to look after in this world. Always give your child the benefit of doubt, by making excuses for them.
7. Make routines consistent and constant
Set regular times for Qur’an reading, house chores, meals, bath times, homework and bedtime. If your child knows these routines are set in stone that things are to be done at a particular time, she is less likely to act up when you tell her to do it.
8. Create boundaries that work. Be reasonable when it comes to boundaries. Involve your child in setting the boundaries – they will be more than likely to keep to them. Make sure your boundaries are appropriate for his/her age and accept that you might need to be more flexible as he/she gets older and needs more independence.
9. 10. Turn your dont's to dos. Reframe your discipline vocabulary. For example, instead of saying, “Bilaal stop jumping on the sofa”, say, “It does will be a good idea if you sat on the sofa, Bilaal”. In this way, you’re telling your child what to do instead of constantly telling him what not to do. Moms focus on what you want your child to do and not on things you do not want them to do.
10. Reward and Praise. Reward, awards or any form of recognition coupled with praise is a very powerful way of promoting good behaviour and character. We see this recurring theme in the Qur’an. Allah describes the rewards of Jannah and praises those who do well in this world. Rewards such as, stickers, walks to the park and a chance to cook with mom in the kitchen etc. are great incentives.
Also, reminding them about the greater reward, they will get from Allah SWT. It’s important to constantly attach their hearts to Allah. Do not praise too much, its best to praise them for a specific thing they have done. For example, “May Allah rewards you for helping mommy with the dishes this evening”.
The more we practise the principles of the Quran and Sunnah we will be raising happy productive Muslim kids. Parenting is not all about discipline, we need to give our children room and their space to be and explore the wonders of everyday life.
Let’s face it we were not exactly angels when we were growing up, were we ?